fuzzy orthodoxy

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues,
but it is so difficult in today’s world to know exactly what to say without
offending someone. So I met with my solicitor yesterday, and on there advice
I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive,
gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced with
the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices
of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or
traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular
traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted Gregorian
calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice
of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our
country great and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical
ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is
subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no
alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to
actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void
where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the
wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual
application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance
of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is
limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole
discretion of the wisher.

No trees were harmed in the sending of this message

(H/T: Brian Heasley)